Sunday, April 25, 2010

Thoughts are just rambling with no hope of order

WARNING: I'm just writing to be writing. There will be subject's that might be a little sensitive and make people uncomfortable. There will be things that are good and great. But there will be NO order to them and they are just going to go where they may. Good luck in putting order to them, because most of the time I sure as hell can't.

This is the first time I have written ANYTHING in months. I few days ago I even in a fit of rage at myself DELETED MY BOOK!! AND NOW I CAN'T FIND MY RECYCLING BIN!!! I maybe able to find it if I took the time to search everywhere on my computer but I haven't done that. I haven't even really been playing my games. The year of me is over because I can't seem to give a damn about ME!

Mark has offically asked me to marry him and the date is set for next year. Which gives him time to finish school. He will graduate Nov 3 and we are both happy and excited. Wend I'm going to sign up for culinary school and will graduate in 2012. I love to cook and think I'm pretty good at it, I've worked in the feild for 20 years so experiance I do not lack. I know how crazy those kitchens can be and maybe one day I'll even open my own resturant. But I'm scared shitless that Mark will end up jealous of the time I spend away at the school and end up like my ex's. I really don't want beat for the things I never did. Like cheat.

Cheating is just stupid and assinine and gets no one anywhere. He's never been jealous and doesn't believe in hitting on woman. But my ex was going to beat the hell out of some guy he didn't even know because he was hitting on his GF and then an hour later was body slamming me to the floor because I said hi to the neighbor. Said I was a whore and that I only said it because I wanted to sleep with dude. I didn't even know what the hell his name was.

I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone but family (his) and so my social skills and any friendships I had went right out the window. I wasn't allowed on the internet because it meant I was trying to find someone else and blah blah blah. I started smoking weed because it blunted the bullshit and kept him off my ass for the most part. Well, I have quit that. And feel great. I never thought it should be illlegal but I also thought it was stupid to do. And I had never done drugs before in my life. THANK YOU GOD I am back to that way of thinking.

I try to get counseling for me and my kids but either I get no return phone call, which means I damn well don't want to see that one or they don't take my insurance. The safer I feel with Mark the more I fear I'm going to screw up and lose him. Which makes me even more worried that I'm going to screw up and lose him because of my fears. Damn but it's a crazy cycle that just keeps spinning in circle's.

His daughters love me but the youngest says that she doesn't want me around because I punish her, make her help clean around the house and because she wants her mom and dad back together. Which isn't going to happen and I had nothing to do with. They were splitsville before I even met Mark.

He's awesome and great a few very minor flaws like not liking to jump in and punish the kids himself so that leaves me to be the heavy hitter and nothing good has come from that. But with what was said he has started to jump in there and help out. But no one is perfect least of all me andI really and truly love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He's the first man I have ever said our children to because I share my 3 bio kids with him. I'm proud of him and all 5 of our kids. I have always said MY KIDS.

you know the song the wheels on the bus. Well for me it's the toughts in my head go round and round. Damn I just want to get the voices out that say I'm unfit for any man, that I'm not a good mother or writer, that I'm never going to be anything or anyone. That I'm just flat out no good and never should have been born let alone deserve to live now. I have faced down shot guns pointed at me, been choked , had the threat that my neck was going to get broken, knives, machetes(sp), swords told not to sleep because it's easier to slit a persons throat when they are asleep, slammed through coffee tables (won't even own one now), punched, smacked, kicked hit and everything else. While still bleeding I've had to do things I never wanted to do and never would have if I hadn't been trying to keep from being beat some more. I've been spit on and pissed on (literally). There isn't a name I haven't been called.

All this run's through my mind 24/7 and I can't get it out. Where's the drill I would gladly take it out if I could. My kids were beat and tortured when I wasn't there. Yes I ran my mouth back and yes sometimes that would lead to a beating but dammit I'm not the type to just take it. When I started dreaming of ways to kill him. I knew it was time to go. I couldn't leave him I would have died and then where would my kids have been. And I couldn't just pack up and go. My parents have sever health issuses and physical problems I didn't want to take it to anyone else because it was my stupidity that I was with the dumb son of a bitch and not their problem. Outside of my parents I'm not close to any of my sister's and didn't want to hear their bs because that would just lead to a bunch more bs and fighting. I'm tired so tired of fighting.

I have a great house, great kids, a great future ahead of me and the most wonderful man alive and I'm so damn scared that I'll screw all that up as well. I've always been a failure and I try so hard not to be. I guess maybe I don't try hard enough or I try to hard. Maybe one day I'll get my shit together.

My oldest son Vinnie is about to get his GED and then is planning on going to CSCC. Mark is doing great in his schooling has had 3 test's and received 2 B's and an A. My secod oldest Tony is started to improve now that we have his eye therepy going and I should have done this a long time ago but I hated being accused of screwing the doc'sTony brough home an A on an english paper that he has never gotten A's before in. He's now talking about things that he might do when he grows up. he'll be 14 on the 7th of May and it is time for him to start perping for the future. Heaven now is getting straight A's instead of being an A-B student and tested a while back as being gifted in Math, science, and music (both vocal and instrumental) and has decided that she wants to be a Scientist. Now it's up to me to help her prep for that field and figure out the best school to send her to. Damn bet I'll end up dropping that ball as well. Seeing as to how I haven't been able to protect those 3 their entire lives. I'll keep trying though. Those 3 are my bio children. Kaylee is one of the daughters of my heart and she has come a long way from the time I met her till now. Mark says it's because of me but I don't see how.She's doing things in school that she has never done before. Her grades are coming up and one day soon she won't be considered "devlopmentally delayed" She's got a few prblems but if people had worked with her instead of just handing her calculators in 1st grade and not treated her like she was the same age as Jessica she would be fine by now. Jessica is as smart and quick as Heaven and could get the same grades but she thinks she's the baby and doesn't have to be treated the same way as the other kids. She doesn't want to do her school work because she thinks she doesn't have to and a whole bunch of other things. Right now she's what most would call the "problem child" but me I just think she's been spoiled rotten and needs to get over it.

Like I warned you in the beginning, if you've gotten this far, there is no order to my thoughts and I'm just one crazy screwed up person. I'm scared to met new people. Wouldn't you be if you got your ass beat or called a whore because you dared go get the mail? I'm scared to leave my house, I'm scared I'll screw these kids up even more then life already has. I'm scared I'll piss Mark's family off and they won't like me or accept me.
And i don't think I'm good enough for Mark. All that had happened in the past I'm convinced is my fault even though I know that no matter what I said or did I didn't deserve it. But there it is again. Maybe I did deserve it and I'm just not fit for society and most important I'm not fit or cut out to be a mother. I really don't deserve the great kids I have. Even though they have their own issues and problems right now. Most of it has been MY fault because of the decisions I have made. Children are NEVER to blame.

I have even lost my muse in all of this. Of course that was probably due to the fog my brain had been in and now because of all the bs that is rambling around in there. I'm going to attempt to find him/her again. I know she's there somewhere. I love to write and I plan on getting my book written but I also don't want to make it the only thing in my life. I always tell the kids you never have to stop learning and so I'll do the practical thing and get my Assc Degree in Culinary Arts and at the same time write when I find my muse again. Articales and stuff like that aren't for me but I would like the write a few books if they are good enough and I never think I'm good enough. That is a major block where writing is concerned.

The only friends I have are online and I hardly ever talk to them either because I'm scared. I'm blunt, outspoken, and I feel I'm rude at times. But if you don't want to know the answer to the question don't ask me because I'll give it to you straight with no holds barred. I'm going to try and start writing on my blog atleast once a week for now and try to get myself and my thoughts straightened out. Lord only knows if I'll be able to do it or not. I'm an emotional wreak and have no clue why Mark wants to be with me and no clue why anyone would even want to be my friend. For most of my adult life the only thing I knew was that after my youngest turned 18 I would not be around for long. Now I have a lot to live for and I'm worried I'll just flat out fuck it up an lose it ALL. Sometimes I really can't stand myself or the dumb SOB's and what has been done to me.

OK enough now my brain hurts.

No comments:

Post a Comment