Monday, January 4, 2010

The Four Elements - The Prophecy

The Prophecy

When The One opens “the door” to The Plains of Despair the Four Gods will fail.

However, the Ruler of Elements will rise up to defend The Meadows of Creation.

If she prevails then life will continue to flow and The Time of Everlasting will begin.

If he prevails then all is lost and The Time of Destruction will be upon us.

Mother’s Guilt and The Year of ME!!

Mother’s sacrifice things they want for themselves all the time for their family and friends. If we can’t do something then for them then we feel guilty or if we want something for ourselves. Personally, I’m tried of it. I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting something for myself. If we are worn out then we can’t make our family happy either.

So, I have resolved that this is The YEAR OF ME!!! I want to write a book so, under threat of sever and harsh torturous death, when I am writing I am not to be disturbed.

If office/craft room door is shut then I am not to be bugged. Mark and I are enforcing it as well. I deserve to do for me plus if it sells and I can make money then that will benefit them as well. So, why shouldn’t I do it and why shouldn’t they help me by not bugging the crap out of me and asking stupid questions like “Can I take a shower?” I don’t even answer that any more. The rule is showers are cut off at nine pm. They can take one when ever they want before that as long as dishes and laundry isn’t being done.


Also, I need to get the whole house organized so I am going to start knocking that out one room at a time. The basement is ALMOST done. All I have to do is organize a little in Tony’s room and get the laundry off the floor. I only have two loads to do and then I can sweep the whole floor and it will be done then. My bedroom is done. So, is the bathroom and living room. If there is something in another room that I want in that one then I am putting it right where I want it right then and there. The dining room is on my list after grocery shopping tomorrow. Now, my office and craft area is a work in progress. I hate paperwork and so do a little at a time. The crafts are all in boxes and I need to get those out and where I want them. That just leaves 2 other bedrooms, closet’s (most of which are done because they are just coats) dining room (have a few things needed to go through from the basement) and Kitchen (which is not going to be hard either). It’s just getting off my ass and doing it. So, I’m not going to be kicking everyone else in the ass I’m just going to kick myself.


I used to be accused of f&$%ing the doctor if I went so I HATE going. But I have had cancer (luckily caught in stage one and has not returned been 13 years this Nov.) so I do need regular check-ups. Well, Mark is not like that and I do have health problems just don’t know them all. Wednesday I’m going to call and make the appointments.


I want to quit smoking. I’m just tired of it. Will that I will wait until spring so I can air the house. Mark smokes as well and did before we met and I don’t think it is right for me to make him.


As you notice it’s all about me and what I want and what I want to do and that’s going to be the way it is this year. They can like it or lump it but EVERYTHING I am going to be doing will benefit them as well. That’s why I REFUSE to feel guilty. Plus that takes to much energy that I could be using for something for ME! LOL.

Why should we feel guilty about wanting a little something something for ourselves. We give other all the time. Our time money and attention. Why shouldn’t we give back to ourselves and make our lives richer and fuller? It only makes us better more well rounded people.

One thing I always wanted to get and will get to in time is a college education. I’m one of those though that would take any course that interested me and then go back to take another. I LOVE learning and always have. I got away from even really reading because my books would be ripped up and I ended up “dummying down” but that is going to change.

I WILL GET INTO COLLEGE ONE DAY! No time frame on this because of finances, time and needing to get over a few things but that is about to change. Mark starts trade school in March and will have a good job after and Jessica will be 8 in May. She’s the youngest and when she is out of elementary I can going back. So, that gives me three years to get the finances in order enough so I don’t need to work as well.

So, join me in The YEAR OF ME! And do something, anything, even if it’s just one thing, in doing something for yourself that you always put off because of guilt and (like nike says) just do it and DON’T FEEL GUILTY!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

How Can They Do It?

For twenty years I have watched as my oldest son, Vinnie, was hurt by his father bouncing in and out of his life. My middle son, (Tony) isn’t allowed to see his father because he was abusive to all of us and when I left that wasn’t going to happen to my son anymore. My twelve year old daughter's, (Heaven) father does the same thing. I tried talking, yelling, threatening, anything that I could to get it through to them that they are hurting the most precious thing in their lives. For about three weeks I watched as she tried time after time to call him and nothing not even a return call. Then she talked to her half sister and found out that she has been to his house and talked to him all the time on the phone, I had enough. I called and told him that he was to either return my phone call or to forget that he had a daughter named Heaven.

The next day, I got a call from his mother saying that he had called her and wanted Heaven to call him back. I don’t think so. I told her the same thing I told him and then I added that if SHE lets him see or talk to my daughter that she wouldn’t be allowed to see her either. (Grandma is respecting my wishes). Well, he hasn’t called me and I won’t let her call him. She has told me that it does hurt less me keeping him away like that.

Now, I am watching as my ten year old (Kaylee) and seven year old, (Jessica) step daughters are treated the same way by their mother. She only calls on holidays (maybe) and birthdays (again maybe). Kaylee got a call last year on her birthday but Jess didn’t. We let her, her mother and her sister bring them their Christmas present’s on New Years Day (no one had said they wanted them for a few days or anything, just asked if they could bring their present’s). She barely talked to the girls. In fact, when they walked in they asked where’s Jess, who was standing right there. She started wearing glasses about a month and a half ago and got her hair cut at the same time. Goes to show how much they see them. That was the first time she had even talked to them since Christmas. I reached my breaking point and I’m going to tell her a few things myself come the Jan. 25th, Kaylee’s birthday (she’ll be 10). If she doesn’t call between now and then.

So, now to my question. HOW CAN THEY DO IT????? How can you carry a child inside of you, raise them for years and then just forget about them? How can you tell a seven year old that says “Mommy I’m mad because you don’t call me.” “You can’t be mad at me. I’m just trying to live my life.” (I’m serious she really did tell Jess that). How DARE they treat their kids as if they are second class citizen’s or like they are unimportant? The “parents” that do this are a disgrace to men, woman and parents everywhere. I just don’t understand how and why and never will.

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother at time’s but at least I’m there everyday. And maybe that is a sign of being a good mother. Wondering if you are or not. I don’t know and most of the time I don’t care, I just want to take care of my kids.

It’s not just my kids going through this either. Thousands of woman are and probably that many man. I don’t have the figures and those really don’t matter. They don’t comfort the child, they don’t comfort the parent who is there and they don’t give answers. What do you say to the kid? I have told mine that they need to find the place in themselves that help them accept them the way they are? But that doesn’t help. I have never lied to my kids about it and I have never made excuses for them.

If your reading this and you haven’t talked to your kids in a while, PICK UP THE PHONE!! Don’t make promises you have no intention of keeping and if you don’t talk to the kid because you and the other parent can’t get along, make arrangements with someone else to pick up the kid. But if you can’t be in their lives totally (at least calling once a week) then just leave them alone. Get out of their lives. Don’t call or drop in to see them once a year or so just to sooth your quilt for not being there. It’s your choice rather or not you call them or see them. They have no choice’s in this. You’re the “adult” so do the right thing. It’s our job to protect them even from ourselves.

But if your reading this and you are going through anything similar just know that your not alone. If you have tried everything from being nice to not nice and it still doesn’t work give them a point blank choice. IN or OUT! End of story and stick to it. I feel that by letting them bounce like that you are helping to hurt your child. Give them chance’s sure. But if it doesn’t break your heart when your little boy or girl is crying in your arms then your not human. Protect your children even from yourself.

I can be extremely blunt, just ask Mark and the kids, and I have actually been nice in what I said. So be glad that your not the one facing off with me come the 25th. I actually hope she calls before then I hate seeing any of my babies hurting.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I have to say that I am proud of myself. First of all I might have found my brain. I have checked several things off my to do list. One I almost completely - admit it nothing is ever "completely" - organized my office and craft area. The shelves are up and I can find things now LOL. (I'm so proud of Mark) I'm cleaning out my computer right now, answering emails and what not so that tomorrow morning I can WRITE. I'm just going to write something for my blog and then get some notes written for my book. To be honest I can "see" the entire book in my head BUT getting it onto paper is another story. So that's what I'm doing tomorrow. Oh and I’m posting the Prophecy from my book on here.

Monday, I am going to ACTUALLY write on it. The Prophecy, Prologue (sp never looks right to me ugh, thank you spell check ), and the first 2 chapters have been done for months now its onto chapter 3 HEHE I can't wait. I’ll have a little peace then. The kids back in school, Mark job hunting, and my sister is off with her boyfriend. Now to make myself write while they are gone. LOL I wonder how much I will really get done.

I will say that part of my set backs and blocks on this book is that I DID have it completely finished, written, done, complete. BUT!!!! My ex (the sorry ass) and or his mother THREW IT AWAY!!! The only copy! Oh, did I tell you that I had 100,000 words written by hand!!! But I am going to get it written and it will be better then before and I will do it. Notice I keep saying WILL, I’m hoping that it will help me actually get it done