Sunday, April 25, 2010


When did we stop being American culture? I am sick to death of hearing about "black culture", white culture, mexican culture and yadda yadda yawn. This is AMERICA people you remember the melting pot of the world. Get the hell over the whole skin color issue and get a clue. There isn't any color better then the other and your skin doesn't jump off your body and do the job for ya.

This whole thing has been set off by the Census. Why do they need to know our skin color? It doesn't matter in the whole big old scheme of things or in the big picture. Here's the picture for ya. Everyone's school's need money everyone's streets need paved and every community needs the dough. There that's settled. Believe it or not the government creates alot of the racism that is still going on today and they help promote the bigotry that people feel towards new arrivals. Though I do have to say you came here I didn't go there learn the language already.

Several times I have been asked my race while filling out the so called Equal Opportunity Employer's job ap's. Why is that info needed. Because if they hire someone of a particular race or nationality they get a BIGGER TAX BREAK. Well that's a bunch of bull. It shouldn't matter because I can flip a damn burger better then someone that has never worked in that field (because of 20 years experiance) and it doesn't matter what their skin color is.

The supposed leaders of these different cultures are also to blame. I've even heard that Obama isn't doing enough for the "black culture". Well ladeda he's mixed what did you expect. That he was going to get elected and send the whites back to England? That's going to happen right after the mexican's go back to Mexico and the blacks go back to whichever country they orginated from. Oh yah we ALL orginated from AMERICA.

So for everyone's info I filled out the census form that my race is HUMAN!!! I'm sick of people caring about skin color. So instead of saying that your of this race or that one how about we all start saying HUMAN RACE or AMERICAN. Now this is kinda jumbled but you can get the jist of it. I decided to write it as if I was talking. and feedback is welcome

Thoughts are just rambling with no hope of order

WARNING: I'm just writing to be writing. There will be subject's that might be a little sensitive and make people uncomfortable. There will be things that are good and great. But there will be NO order to them and they are just going to go where they may. Good luck in putting order to them, because most of the time I sure as hell can't.

This is the first time I have written ANYTHING in months. I few days ago I even in a fit of rage at myself DELETED MY BOOK!! AND NOW I CAN'T FIND MY RECYCLING BIN!!! I maybe able to find it if I took the time to search everywhere on my computer but I haven't done that. I haven't even really been playing my games. The year of me is over because I can't seem to give a damn about ME!

Mark has offically asked me to marry him and the date is set for next year. Which gives him time to finish school. He will graduate Nov 3 and we are both happy and excited. Wend I'm going to sign up for culinary school and will graduate in 2012. I love to cook and think I'm pretty good at it, I've worked in the feild for 20 years so experiance I do not lack. I know how crazy those kitchens can be and maybe one day I'll even open my own resturant. But I'm scared shitless that Mark will end up jealous of the time I spend away at the school and end up like my ex's. I really don't want beat for the things I never did. Like cheat.

Cheating is just stupid and assinine and gets no one anywhere. He's never been jealous and doesn't believe in hitting on woman. But my ex was going to beat the hell out of some guy he didn't even know because he was hitting on his GF and then an hour later was body slamming me to the floor because I said hi to the neighbor. Said I was a whore and that I only said it because I wanted to sleep with dude. I didn't even know what the hell his name was.

I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone but family (his) and so my social skills and any friendships I had went right out the window. I wasn't allowed on the internet because it meant I was trying to find someone else and blah blah blah. I started smoking weed because it blunted the bullshit and kept him off my ass for the most part. Well, I have quit that. And feel great. I never thought it should be illlegal but I also thought it was stupid to do. And I had never done drugs before in my life. THANK YOU GOD I am back to that way of thinking.

I try to get counseling for me and my kids but either I get no return phone call, which means I damn well don't want to see that one or they don't take my insurance. The safer I feel with Mark the more I fear I'm going to screw up and lose him. Which makes me even more worried that I'm going to screw up and lose him because of my fears. Damn but it's a crazy cycle that just keeps spinning in circle's.

His daughters love me but the youngest says that she doesn't want me around because I punish her, make her help clean around the house and because she wants her mom and dad back together. Which isn't going to happen and I had nothing to do with. They were splitsville before I even met Mark.

He's awesome and great a few very minor flaws like not liking to jump in and punish the kids himself so that leaves me to be the heavy hitter and nothing good has come from that. But with what was said he has started to jump in there and help out. But no one is perfect least of all me andI really and truly love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He's the first man I have ever said our children to because I share my 3 bio kids with him. I'm proud of him and all 5 of our kids. I have always said MY KIDS.

you know the song the wheels on the bus. Well for me it's the toughts in my head go round and round. Damn I just want to get the voices out that say I'm unfit for any man, that I'm not a good mother or writer, that I'm never going to be anything or anyone. That I'm just flat out no good and never should have been born let alone deserve to live now. I have faced down shot guns pointed at me, been choked , had the threat that my neck was going to get broken, knives, machetes(sp), swords told not to sleep because it's easier to slit a persons throat when they are asleep, slammed through coffee tables (won't even own one now), punched, smacked, kicked hit and everything else. While still bleeding I've had to do things I never wanted to do and never would have if I hadn't been trying to keep from being beat some more. I've been spit on and pissed on (literally). There isn't a name I haven't been called.

All this run's through my mind 24/7 and I can't get it out. Where's the drill I would gladly take it out if I could. My kids were beat and tortured when I wasn't there. Yes I ran my mouth back and yes sometimes that would lead to a beating but dammit I'm not the type to just take it. When I started dreaming of ways to kill him. I knew it was time to go. I couldn't leave him I would have died and then where would my kids have been. And I couldn't just pack up and go. My parents have sever health issuses and physical problems I didn't want to take it to anyone else because it was my stupidity that I was with the dumb son of a bitch and not their problem. Outside of my parents I'm not close to any of my sister's and didn't want to hear their bs because that would just lead to a bunch more bs and fighting. I'm tired so tired of fighting.

I have a great house, great kids, a great future ahead of me and the most wonderful man alive and I'm so damn scared that I'll screw all that up as well. I've always been a failure and I try so hard not to be. I guess maybe I don't try hard enough or I try to hard. Maybe one day I'll get my shit together.

My oldest son Vinnie is about to get his GED and then is planning on going to CSCC. Mark is doing great in his schooling has had 3 test's and received 2 B's and an A. My secod oldest Tony is started to improve now that we have his eye therepy going and I should have done this a long time ago but I hated being accused of screwing the doc'sTony brough home an A on an english paper that he has never gotten A's before in. He's now talking about things that he might do when he grows up. he'll be 14 on the 7th of May and it is time for him to start perping for the future. Heaven now is getting straight A's instead of being an A-B student and tested a while back as being gifted in Math, science, and music (both vocal and instrumental) and has decided that she wants to be a Scientist. Now it's up to me to help her prep for that field and figure out the best school to send her to. Damn bet I'll end up dropping that ball as well. Seeing as to how I haven't been able to protect those 3 their entire lives. I'll keep trying though. Those 3 are my bio children. Kaylee is one of the daughters of my heart and she has come a long way from the time I met her till now. Mark says it's because of me but I don't see how.She's doing things in school that she has never done before. Her grades are coming up and one day soon she won't be considered "devlopmentally delayed" She's got a few prblems but if people had worked with her instead of just handing her calculators in 1st grade and not treated her like she was the same age as Jessica she would be fine by now. Jessica is as smart and quick as Heaven and could get the same grades but she thinks she's the baby and doesn't have to be treated the same way as the other kids. She doesn't want to do her school work because she thinks she doesn't have to and a whole bunch of other things. Right now she's what most would call the "problem child" but me I just think she's been spoiled rotten and needs to get over it.

Like I warned you in the beginning, if you've gotten this far, there is no order to my thoughts and I'm just one crazy screwed up person. I'm scared to met new people. Wouldn't you be if you got your ass beat or called a whore because you dared go get the mail? I'm scared to leave my house, I'm scared I'll screw these kids up even more then life already has. I'm scared I'll piss Mark's family off and they won't like me or accept me.
And i don't think I'm good enough for Mark. All that had happened in the past I'm convinced is my fault even though I know that no matter what I said or did I didn't deserve it. But there it is again. Maybe I did deserve it and I'm just not fit for society and most important I'm not fit or cut out to be a mother. I really don't deserve the great kids I have. Even though they have their own issues and problems right now. Most of it has been MY fault because of the decisions I have made. Children are NEVER to blame.

I have even lost my muse in all of this. Of course that was probably due to the fog my brain had been in and now because of all the bs that is rambling around in there. I'm going to attempt to find him/her again. I know she's there somewhere. I love to write and I plan on getting my book written but I also don't want to make it the only thing in my life. I always tell the kids you never have to stop learning and so I'll do the practical thing and get my Assc Degree in Culinary Arts and at the same time write when I find my muse again. Articales and stuff like that aren't for me but I would like the write a few books if they are good enough and I never think I'm good enough. That is a major block where writing is concerned.

The only friends I have are online and I hardly ever talk to them either because I'm scared. I'm blunt, outspoken, and I feel I'm rude at times. But if you don't want to know the answer to the question don't ask me because I'll give it to you straight with no holds barred. I'm going to try and start writing on my blog atleast once a week for now and try to get myself and my thoughts straightened out. Lord only knows if I'll be able to do it or not. I'm an emotional wreak and have no clue why Mark wants to be with me and no clue why anyone would even want to be my friend. For most of my adult life the only thing I knew was that after my youngest turned 18 I would not be around for long. Now I have a lot to live for and I'm worried I'll just flat out fuck it up an lose it ALL. Sometimes I really can't stand myself or the dumb SOB's and what has been done to me.

OK enough now my brain hurts.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Four Elements - The Prophecy

The Prophecy

When The One opens “the door” to The Plains of Despair the Four Gods will fail.

However, the Ruler of Elements will rise up to defend The Meadows of Creation.

If she prevails then life will continue to flow and The Time of Everlasting will begin.

If he prevails then all is lost and The Time of Destruction will be upon us.

Mother’s Guilt and The Year of ME!!

Mother’s sacrifice things they want for themselves all the time for their family and friends. If we can’t do something then for them then we feel guilty or if we want something for ourselves. Personally, I’m tried of it. I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting something for myself. If we are worn out then we can’t make our family happy either.

So, I have resolved that this is The YEAR OF ME!!! I want to write a book so, under threat of sever and harsh torturous death, when I am writing I am not to be disturbed.

If office/craft room door is shut then I am not to be bugged. Mark and I are enforcing it as well. I deserve to do for me plus if it sells and I can make money then that will benefit them as well. So, why shouldn’t I do it and why shouldn’t they help me by not bugging the crap out of me and asking stupid questions like “Can I take a shower?” I don’t even answer that any more. The rule is showers are cut off at nine pm. They can take one when ever they want before that as long as dishes and laundry isn’t being done.


Also, I need to get the whole house organized so I am going to start knocking that out one room at a time. The basement is ALMOST done. All I have to do is organize a little in Tony’s room and get the laundry off the floor. I only have two loads to do and then I can sweep the whole floor and it will be done then. My bedroom is done. So, is the bathroom and living room. If there is something in another room that I want in that one then I am putting it right where I want it right then and there. The dining room is on my list after grocery shopping tomorrow. Now, my office and craft area is a work in progress. I hate paperwork and so do a little at a time. The crafts are all in boxes and I need to get those out and where I want them. That just leaves 2 other bedrooms, closet’s (most of which are done because they are just coats) dining room (have a few things needed to go through from the basement) and Kitchen (which is not going to be hard either). It’s just getting off my ass and doing it. So, I’m not going to be kicking everyone else in the ass I’m just going to kick myself.


I used to be accused of f&$%ing the doctor if I went so I HATE going. But I have had cancer (luckily caught in stage one and has not returned been 13 years this Nov.) so I do need regular check-ups. Well, Mark is not like that and I do have health problems just don’t know them all. Wednesday I’m going to call and make the appointments.


I want to quit smoking. I’m just tired of it. Will that I will wait until spring so I can air the house. Mark smokes as well and did before we met and I don’t think it is right for me to make him.


As you notice it’s all about me and what I want and what I want to do and that’s going to be the way it is this year. They can like it or lump it but EVERYTHING I am going to be doing will benefit them as well. That’s why I REFUSE to feel guilty. Plus that takes to much energy that I could be using for something for ME! LOL.

Why should we feel guilty about wanting a little something something for ourselves. We give other all the time. Our time money and attention. Why shouldn’t we give back to ourselves and make our lives richer and fuller? It only makes us better more well rounded people.

One thing I always wanted to get and will get to in time is a college education. I’m one of those though that would take any course that interested me and then go back to take another. I LOVE learning and always have. I got away from even really reading because my books would be ripped up and I ended up “dummying down” but that is going to change.

I WILL GET INTO COLLEGE ONE DAY! No time frame on this because of finances, time and needing to get over a few things but that is about to change. Mark starts trade school in March and will have a good job after and Jessica will be 8 in May. She’s the youngest and when she is out of elementary I can going back. So, that gives me three years to get the finances in order enough so I don’t need to work as well.

So, join me in The YEAR OF ME! And do something, anything, even if it’s just one thing, in doing something for yourself that you always put off because of guilt and (like nike says) just do it and DON’T FEEL GUILTY!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

How Can They Do It?

For twenty years I have watched as my oldest son, Vinnie, was hurt by his father bouncing in and out of his life. My middle son, (Tony) isn’t allowed to see his father because he was abusive to all of us and when I left that wasn’t going to happen to my son anymore. My twelve year old daughter's, (Heaven) father does the same thing. I tried talking, yelling, threatening, anything that I could to get it through to them that they are hurting the most precious thing in their lives. For about three weeks I watched as she tried time after time to call him and nothing not even a return call. Then she talked to her half sister and found out that she has been to his house and talked to him all the time on the phone, I had enough. I called and told him that he was to either return my phone call or to forget that he had a daughter named Heaven.

The next day, I got a call from his mother saying that he had called her and wanted Heaven to call him back. I don’t think so. I told her the same thing I told him and then I added that if SHE lets him see or talk to my daughter that she wouldn’t be allowed to see her either. (Grandma is respecting my wishes). Well, he hasn’t called me and I won’t let her call him. She has told me that it does hurt less me keeping him away like that.

Now, I am watching as my ten year old (Kaylee) and seven year old, (Jessica) step daughters are treated the same way by their mother. She only calls on holidays (maybe) and birthdays (again maybe). Kaylee got a call last year on her birthday but Jess didn’t. We let her, her mother and her sister bring them their Christmas present’s on New Years Day (no one had said they wanted them for a few days or anything, just asked if they could bring their present’s). She barely talked to the girls. In fact, when they walked in they asked where’s Jess, who was standing right there. She started wearing glasses about a month and a half ago and got her hair cut at the same time. Goes to show how much they see them. That was the first time she had even talked to them since Christmas. I reached my breaking point and I’m going to tell her a few things myself come the Jan. 25th, Kaylee’s birthday (she’ll be 10). If she doesn’t call between now and then.

So, now to my question. HOW CAN THEY DO IT????? How can you carry a child inside of you, raise them for years and then just forget about them? How can you tell a seven year old that says “Mommy I’m mad because you don’t call me.” “You can’t be mad at me. I’m just trying to live my life.” (I’m serious she really did tell Jess that). How DARE they treat their kids as if they are second class citizen’s or like they are unimportant? The “parents” that do this are a disgrace to men, woman and parents everywhere. I just don’t understand how and why and never will.

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother at time’s but at least I’m there everyday. And maybe that is a sign of being a good mother. Wondering if you are or not. I don’t know and most of the time I don’t care, I just want to take care of my kids.

It’s not just my kids going through this either. Thousands of woman are and probably that many man. I don’t have the figures and those really don’t matter. They don’t comfort the child, they don’t comfort the parent who is there and they don’t give answers. What do you say to the kid? I have told mine that they need to find the place in themselves that help them accept them the way they are? But that doesn’t help. I have never lied to my kids about it and I have never made excuses for them.

If your reading this and you haven’t talked to your kids in a while, PICK UP THE PHONE!! Don’t make promises you have no intention of keeping and if you don’t talk to the kid because you and the other parent can’t get along, make arrangements with someone else to pick up the kid. But if you can’t be in their lives totally (at least calling once a week) then just leave them alone. Get out of their lives. Don’t call or drop in to see them once a year or so just to sooth your quilt for not being there. It’s your choice rather or not you call them or see them. They have no choice’s in this. You’re the “adult” so do the right thing. It’s our job to protect them even from ourselves.

But if your reading this and you are going through anything similar just know that your not alone. If you have tried everything from being nice to not nice and it still doesn’t work give them a point blank choice. IN or OUT! End of story and stick to it. I feel that by letting them bounce like that you are helping to hurt your child. Give them chance’s sure. But if it doesn’t break your heart when your little boy or girl is crying in your arms then your not human. Protect your children even from yourself.

I can be extremely blunt, just ask Mark and the kids, and I have actually been nice in what I said. So be glad that your not the one facing off with me come the 25th. I actually hope she calls before then I hate seeing any of my babies hurting.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I have to say that I am proud of myself. First of all I might have found my brain. I have checked several things off my to do list. One I almost completely - admit it nothing is ever "completely" - organized my office and craft area. The shelves are up and I can find things now LOL. (I'm so proud of Mark) I'm cleaning out my computer right now, answering emails and what not so that tomorrow morning I can WRITE. I'm just going to write something for my blog and then get some notes written for my book. To be honest I can "see" the entire book in my head BUT getting it onto paper is another story. So that's what I'm doing tomorrow. Oh and I’m posting the Prophecy from my book on here.

Monday, I am going to ACTUALLY write on it. The Prophecy, Prologue (sp never looks right to me ugh, thank you spell check ), and the first 2 chapters have been done for months now its onto chapter 3 HEHE I can't wait. I’ll have a little peace then. The kids back in school, Mark job hunting, and my sister is off with her boyfriend. Now to make myself write while they are gone. LOL I wonder how much I will really get done.

I will say that part of my set backs and blocks on this book is that I DID have it completely finished, written, done, complete. BUT!!!! My ex (the sorry ass) and or his mother THREW IT AWAY!!! The only copy! Oh, did I tell you that I had 100,000 words written by hand!!! But I am going to get it written and it will be better then before and I will do it. Notice I keep saying WILL, I’m hoping that it will help me actually get it done

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Update on my Ramblings

My office and craft area are set up and ready for me to get organized. I'll need some more shelves. Mark says they will start going up tomorrow, he'll have to make some though. For now I'll figure out something. Tomorrow, THE BASEMENT!!!!! And I got the notebooks out. I'm excited about the new year because I really do plan on being a new person by the end of it. We only need to get back on the right track. Maybe when I get the clutter, like no jobs, off my mind. Mark start's school in March. Just another month for us to hang by our fingernail's then I'll be less stressed.