Sunday, January 3, 2010

How Can They Do It?

For twenty years I have watched as my oldest son, Vinnie, was hurt by his father bouncing in and out of his life. My middle son, (Tony) isn’t allowed to see his father because he was abusive to all of us and when I left that wasn’t going to happen to my son anymore. My twelve year old daughter's, (Heaven) father does the same thing. I tried talking, yelling, threatening, anything that I could to get it through to them that they are hurting the most precious thing in their lives. For about three weeks I watched as she tried time after time to call him and nothing not even a return call. Then she talked to her half sister and found out that she has been to his house and talked to him all the time on the phone, I had enough. I called and told him that he was to either return my phone call or to forget that he had a daughter named Heaven.

The next day, I got a call from his mother saying that he had called her and wanted Heaven to call him back. I don’t think so. I told her the same thing I told him and then I added that if SHE lets him see or talk to my daughter that she wouldn’t be allowed to see her either. (Grandma is respecting my wishes). Well, he hasn’t called me and I won’t let her call him. She has told me that it does hurt less me keeping him away like that.

Now, I am watching as my ten year old (Kaylee) and seven year old, (Jessica) step daughters are treated the same way by their mother. She only calls on holidays (maybe) and birthdays (again maybe). Kaylee got a call last year on her birthday but Jess didn’t. We let her, her mother and her sister bring them their Christmas present’s on New Years Day (no one had said they wanted them for a few days or anything, just asked if they could bring their present’s). She barely talked to the girls. In fact, when they walked in they asked where’s Jess, who was standing right there. She started wearing glasses about a month and a half ago and got her hair cut at the same time. Goes to show how much they see them. That was the first time she had even talked to them since Christmas. I reached my breaking point and I’m going to tell her a few things myself come the Jan. 25th, Kaylee’s birthday (she’ll be 10). If she doesn’t call between now and then.

So, now to my question. HOW CAN THEY DO IT????? How can you carry a child inside of you, raise them for years and then just forget about them? How can you tell a seven year old that says “Mommy I’m mad because you don’t call me.” “You can’t be mad at me. I’m just trying to live my life.” (I’m serious she really did tell Jess that). How DARE they treat their kids as if they are second class citizen’s or like they are unimportant? The “parents” that do this are a disgrace to men, woman and parents everywhere. I just don’t understand how and why and never will.

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother at time’s but at least I’m there everyday. And maybe that is a sign of being a good mother. Wondering if you are or not. I don’t know and most of the time I don’t care, I just want to take care of my kids.

It’s not just my kids going through this either. Thousands of woman are and probably that many man. I don’t have the figures and those really don’t matter. They don’t comfort the child, they don’t comfort the parent who is there and they don’t give answers. What do you say to the kid? I have told mine that they need to find the place in themselves that help them accept them the way they are? But that doesn’t help. I have never lied to my kids about it and I have never made excuses for them.

If your reading this and you haven’t talked to your kids in a while, PICK UP THE PHONE!! Don’t make promises you have no intention of keeping and if you don’t talk to the kid because you and the other parent can’t get along, make arrangements with someone else to pick up the kid. But if you can’t be in their lives totally (at least calling once a week) then just leave them alone. Get out of their lives. Don’t call or drop in to see them once a year or so just to sooth your quilt for not being there. It’s your choice rather or not you call them or see them. They have no choice’s in this. You’re the “adult” so do the right thing. It’s our job to protect them even from ourselves.

But if your reading this and you are going through anything similar just know that your not alone. If you have tried everything from being nice to not nice and it still doesn’t work give them a point blank choice. IN or OUT! End of story and stick to it. I feel that by letting them bounce like that you are helping to hurt your child. Give them chance’s sure. But if it doesn’t break your heart when your little boy or girl is crying in your arms then your not human. Protect your children even from yourself.

I can be extremely blunt, just ask Mark and the kids, and I have actually been nice in what I said. So be glad that your not the one facing off with me come the 25th. I actually hope she calls before then I hate seeing any of my babies hurting.

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